This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize