Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
