and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
