She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
