He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
