i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am mentally ready for anal.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
