I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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