I love black thongs
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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