you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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