Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
