We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
