I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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