I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What a dumb baby whore.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize