I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize