I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
