Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
