I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
zippers are such a cool invention
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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