am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
