if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
