so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
