guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
