I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
