My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
