So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
