What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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