We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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