My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
