You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
