go do what you do best...puke behind churches
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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