I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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