Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
