P.S. I can't hear my feet
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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