Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
