I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
