So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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