Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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