she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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