Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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