Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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