Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
