I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
