if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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