dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
