Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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