life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
