Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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