I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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