Your face is a jimmy john
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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