is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
