I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
