I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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