I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
