I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
