Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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