I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
