I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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