i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
