puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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