Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
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