alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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