Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
